Life is hard....and amazing

 Life is hard….and amazing.

It has been a long time since I have sat down to write this blog, for obvious reasons.

This Easter Sunday will be 8 months since Laura passed.

After she left this world, I just did not have anything to say or much reason to do so.

I knew I had to make the album we planned before her death and I knew I needed to 

try and be useful for my family, but I didn’t have much else in me, I was numb.

I was tired. I had just spent a year and a half grieving while watching my best friend die in front of me. It was exhausting. Next month will be two years since Laura began getting sick. It was a nightmare that seemed would never end. Once it did, it was just quiet and weird. 

But sometime in August I began to get the desire to pick myself up and brush myself off.

I began doing shows again and playing my guitar. That was a big deal. It felt good to play loud.

It was weird at first to get out in front of people again, but I started just making myself do it.

I would walk into the crowds and let people get close to me again. Most people greeted me with hugs and love. Some had no idea what to say. Many cried without words. I would spend my time consoling them more than anyone consoled me. It was very therapeutic. I would tell them thank you and “it’s gonna be ok” and they would ask me “you’re not crying?” Or they would give me this concerned look and I would sweetly answer “I have cried for over a year, it’s your turn to cry now.”  I could not cry anymore. I did not want to isolate and get stuck in depression, I wanted to walk into life again and move forward for myself and my family. We lived in a shadow for a very long time, it was time to walk out of the shadow.

Sometime around the end of August a dear friend and business partner of mine gave me a call.

We had been working on the concept of a music non-profit before Laura got sick but then it got sidetracked. He called one day and said “Buddy, it’s time to get back on the horse. We need to get working on the non-profit. Have you ever considered moving back to the St. Louis area?”. The last we had spoken about the non profit it was possibly being built in Florida, even Texas but the land was expensive in both states. He had just heard of a new PGA golf course being built outside of St. Louis and that the land and taxes were much cheaper. That conversation threw a spark in me. I had not really ever considered moving back to St. Louis but now I was intrigued. We began talking about possibilities and looking at properties for fun.

This definitely got my mind thinking about the future. Laura’s mother and sister were both from the St. Louis area. This might be a very interesting idea.

Around this same time last year I began talking to a woman I had gone to high school with but really never knew. Her name is Jackie. She sent some very sweet messages when Laura was in hospice and encouraged me to continue to write stories about Laura. I remember reading her stories of her daughter who is special needs. She too had blogged about the experiences they were going through. She could relate in a sense to what I was trying to do with writing those stories. I was trying to reach out, find empathy, share my love for Laura with the world, and cope. I went back and read some of her blogs about her daughter. In August we sent a few messages back and forth learning about our kids and families. We really didn’t know anything about one another. We built a friendship. It was really nice to have someone to say hello to or ask how their day was going. She was funny and made me laugh when I needed it most.

Slowly, over the next few months we talked more and more and realized how much we had in common. I finally got up the nerve to ask her out on a date at the beginning of November. 

I was finally beginning to feel alive again for the first time in a very long time. 

I celebrated 20 years of sobriety on October 28th. Jackie gave me a nice card and a coffee mug that said “Woke up sober again”. I knew right then that this is something special.

I never really considered another relationship after Laura. Laura would often tell me “You’re going to move on Mike, I don’t want you to be alone. There will be someone for you.”

I just couldn’t see that at the time. But God had another plan. Somehow, someway Jackie and I have been brought together in this world. It’s been amazing to say the least. My children have fallen in love with her. She is sweet and kind and so caring. She wants to know about Laura and hear our stories. We brought all 9 of our kids together at the first of the year and had a magical weekend together that ended with an amazing snow storm that had everyone in the front yard building snowmen and throwing snowballs. We have been on many dates now and trips and life has taken a turn that is amazing. Jackie is exactly what we all needed. We are truly blessed to have her in our lives today. 

In September I went to Sunset Studios in Hollywood with Joe Bonamassa and Josh Smith and their band of exceptional musicians and recorded the album “Life is Hard”. A tribute to the loss of Laura and to living through some tough shit but persevering. I believe this to be the BEST album of my career. I put everything I had into each note I sang and played. Joe and Josh and the band put their hearts into this with me and I believe we made a gem. Laura would be so proud.

Our non profit has moved on full force and we have put a contract down on property just out of St. Louis to build a professional recording studio for young artists to have a chance to get their music out there. I will be the Executive Director of the non profit. For a guy who barely graduated from High School, that’s pretty incredible! Being the ED will give me the financial opportunity to step back a bit from touring and stay closer to home for my family. 

YES, I will NOT stop touring, EVER! Just maybe not 4 weeks at a time please… I am old!

So, I will be moving to St. Louis this summer with Josie to begin our new adventure. 

I will start my new position in June and you will hear a LOT more about it very soon, it’s the most exciting musical adventure yet. Josie will start her freshman year at a great new school.

She’s already taking trips to meet friends and she is SO excited for all of this. This move will be a huge step in the right direction for Josie.

We will keep our house in Nederland and Sophie will stay and finish her Senior year at NHS. It wouldn’t be fair to make her move her last year and she is excited as well. She’s going to be 18 this year and has her eye on a great University and is beginning to visit colleges this year. Of course I will be going back and forth regularly and Laura’s mother will continue assisting when I am not there. Matt Johnson and his lovely family are moving to St. Louis this summer as well. Matt will play a big role in the recording studio. The non profit will help family members and band members alike. OF COURSE, I will miss SE Texas and will ALWAYS come back to see my friends and family. Southeast Texas saved my life. It changed me forever. It will always be my second home. I will continually come back and play shows and eat food at the Bayou Cafe and Madison’s!!!  BUT, I am not gone just yet. I promise more Texas shows this year for sure.

I am also VERY excited to move back to St. Louis after all of these years.

St. Louis is my home. This is where I was born and raised and learned to be a musician.

I left the city on a very low note over 20 years ago. I have never been able to truly enjoy my city as a sober, productive member of society. I am thrilled to come back to the music scene in a big way. I hope that the non profit will bring many of my old friends back together again. I look forward to being involved in more shows and events.

Gulf Coast records will certainly continue on full steam ahead. Our record label is kicking ass!

I just wouldn’t have thought life would be so amazing. I did not expect it. 

Jackie is a dream come true. I have found a best friend and partner that shares the same values and love for life and family. We are excited to see what the future brings for all of us.

I know for a fact that all of this positive energy is from Laura. She has done all of this for our family. The Universe is unfolding in ways never expected. I continue to follow the positive energy and I thank God and Laura everyday for these blessings. 

Peace, Love, Zito.

Endless Summer Vacation

I was 14 years old in 1984. I was in 8th grade at Holy Family Catholic School in South St. Louis. I loved music with a passion. I listened to anything and everything. I especially loved music that had a lot of energy. Music that made me feel alive and excited. Music that was emotional and sometimes sad. I was falling in love with every girl in my class and of course I was crazy for Molly Ringwald. There were so many albums that played a huge role in this time period in my life: Michael Jackson/Thriller (actually 83), Bruce Springsteen/Born in the USA, Madonna/Like a Virgin, Van Halen/1984, but most of all was Prince "Purple Rain". I LOVED that movie and listened to that album over and over and over and over. I know every scream, every inflection, every note, every beat. It's one of my all time favorite albums and especially important for me at the age of 14. It had great songs, amazing singing, incredible guitar playing, imagery, it was sexual, passionate, profound, and full of angst and emotion. Everything that was running through my veins as a hormonal teenage boy. It summed up my life in 8th grade. I wanted to be Prince, sing like him, play like him, dance like him. 

    I don't always listen to Purple Rain anymore. Maybe once a year I go down memory lane and listen to the album for nostalgia. I still enjoy all of the music, but it also reminds of this time in my life. It wasn't a "bad" time, it was a great time. But a time that was emotional. I was insecure, sensitive, and vulnerable. It brings me back to feelings that were not so pleasant then and maybe they're still not now. One thing is certain, that album defines a very particular time I my life. When I hear "When Doves Cry" or "Purple Rain" on the radio, it immediately brings me back to 1984. The summer before high school. I had so many dreams and things I was going to do with my life, but I really had no idea how to go about doing them. We were pretty poor and their certainly wasn't means to support my grandiose ideas. I was frustrated and self centered.....the life of a teenager. 

    When I got older I began listening to music with a purpose. I was learning to play the guitar for real and I needed to go to school. I needed to hear certain players and albums and learn styles and techniques. I fell in love with music from a different view, a musicians view. I found music that embodied my emotions in a different way. Lyrics were less important than the bend of a guitar string or the harmonic of a speaker beginning to distort. I listened to music that no one else my age was listening to or interested in. I am not saying this music wasn't emotional, the emotions were just coming from a different place. It fed my obsessive brain well. I could focus my energies on very specific nuances, rather than on love and sex. There's nothing sexier than Wes Montgomery playing guitar, but maybe that doesn't translate to every woman. I was self sufficient and kept my emotions to myself. They were not big and loud, they were contained and controlled for a while. 

    I tell you all of this because I didn't believe it would ever be possible again to have the experience of Purple Rain. I had told myself that was a time in life that you don't get twice. The coming of age. There were times when something got close - like "Room for Squares" by John Mayer. That was out when I began dating Laura and we were falling in love. We listened to that album a lot together and it always brings back sweet memories, but again I don't think I was truly "feeling" like I was when I was 14. I was jaded and older and did drugs and drank and the innocence was not there. 

    It was not until this past summer, the summer of 2023, that I had a full on emotional experience like no other in my life. I lost my wife of 20 years to pancreatic cancer. And she didn't just die this past July, she began dying the summer before in 2022 when she was diagnosed. With 9-12 months to live tops, that perspective will change your life forever. I walked around in a daze, a fog of hurt and pain and selfishness. She could no longer do anything other than try to stay alive as long as possible. It was the most painful year of my life, a true horror show. When she passed on July 31st of this year I was numb. I was tragically sad and gratefully relieved it was over. I was raw and open and strangely aware. I saw a video clip on Instagram by Miley Cyrus about a week after the funeral when I was getting home from Disney with the kids. She was standing in front of the camera singing teary eyed. The song was "Used to be young".

I immediately went to youtube to see the entire video, it was captivating. She was vulnerable and emotional and the song was melodic and full of honesty. As she cried during the video, I began crying. I just started crying. It all came rushing out and I got this feeling, the feeling that music was made for you. She was singing about getting older and sober and not being the same person anymore. It just hit me.

I downloaded the album immediately - "Endless Summer Vacation". 

I went for a long walk that night and listened to the entire album. It's not the kind of music I listen to much anymore, it's popular. It's very pop/rock but not perfect. It's edgy and honest and the lyrics are personal. I walked or ran everyday after Laura died and I have listened to this album everyday for 3 months now. I can't stop listening to it. It brings out all of the emotions I am dealing with and keeps them in front of me. I work through them rather than hide them. I believe thats what music does, especially for most people who don't play music. I have given myself permission to listen to music that has nothing to do with me playing music, it's just for me to listen to. Although it is having a profound effect on how I approach playing music. I am playing from the heart more and thinking less. Thats what I am always trying to do, but having had a very strong emotional experience with the loss of my wife, I could either bottle that up and put it away or let it all out and release. I am choosing to release and I believe it's because of this mindset I have been in the past 3 months listening to this album. 

    Maybe it's the music, or more likely it's me. I was ready for something, open to it, and music is energy and that energy found it's way to me. What I do know.....is that 25 years from now "Endless Summer Vacation" by Miley Cyrus will define the hardest summer of my life. It will define the moment I made a choice to not live in my head, but live in my heart. I became fully aware and open. When I hear those songs years from now I will think back to these defining months in my life just like I do when I hear Purple Rain. Who would've ever thought. That is the power of music.

    I have SO many things to be thankful for today. My life is magic, it's going crazy with nothing but positive. I am so happy and silly. I miss Laura everyday, but it's ok. She's with me every step of the way. I feel her guiding me, she's showing me where to go and it's all incredible. I never knew you could be so happy and grieving at the same time. I think you have to have the heart for it. I am living each day for Laura, full of love and hope. When I got clean and sober I began making amends. There were some people that were no longer alive or available for me to make amends to, so I made a "living amends". I made sure to give back, be a decent member of society. I was generous with those around me and truly tried to be helpful. Those are things I continue to do today to offer a living amends. 

Today, I will love for Laura. I will give love and receive love in her honor. Thats what she would want. I am open to all things and all possibilities and by choosing to live this way today, my life is amazing.

Side note: I just finished recording my new album

 “Life is hard” at Sunset Sound with Joe and Josh. It’s the same studio that Miley recorded “Endless Summer Vacation”.

Peace, Love, Zito

We have plenty of milk.....

 Today I am just going to be catty and sarcastic for fun......it's my sweet spot.

Everyone sends me messages these days, a lot more than before Laura and cancer. They offer empathy and sympathy and for some reason milk. I am told more often than any other statement "If there is anything we can do, just let us know. If you need milk. let me know." Apparently, during this process, milk is very necessary. I am unsure why, as we have plenty of milk. We have whole milk, 2%, and Oat milk. I have yet to see any of the girls laying on the floor with bowls of dry cereal howling for milk. Everyone wants to run to the store for me, which is very nice. But I let them know right away if we need anything from the store I AM GOING. That is my one trip out of the house for the day and you're not taking that away from me. Let me tell you, when I get to the store, I take my time. It's like being at Disney World for 30 minutes. I know that all of these wonderful people are just being super sweet. They're not sure what to do or say and just want to be helpful. I hope you're laughing a bit, cause that is what this is all about. I am so grateful to have so many people willing to help me at a moment's notice. 

Laura sleeps a lot of the day, is up a few times, hits a sweet spot around 4pm, and stays up until 9 or 10pm. There is plenty of time for me to go to the store, the bank, whatever. Obviously, I don't go too far away. She is on a pain management schedule that I am in charge of administering. In the other parts of the day I am cleaning the house, organizing my studio, and helping the Blood Brothers tour with hotels and flights. It gets boring and slow for a guy that is used to moving constantly. I don't do "slow" very well. I continue to run every day on the treadmill and do 120 daily pushups. But I miss the hustle and bustle of touring and moving around. Even in the past when at home, Laura was always going. She never sat still much. She was working in the yard or had projects she was doing. We were going out to eat and see the local theater group that Laura's mother is working with. Now it's just slower and calm, and simple. It takes more focus to stay here and stay in the moment. Laura has a port to drain fluid from her abdomen. She has ascites from liver failure. I have to drain her belly once a day and clean the port and change her bandage. The tape sticks to her skin and hurts to peel off. We have to use these pads to loosen the tape from her skin. It's a very slow and sometimes painful process for her. It makes me sad for her and I try to not get frustrated. I am also thankful that I get this time with her together to just be close. We hold hands and watch tv, and sometimes we dance in the kitchen to no music. Laura is in a very good state of mind. She laughs and is silly and fun most days. She's got great pain meds to help her and sometimes they work too well. She will kind of walk in circles and just start laughing. She says "Ok, I don't know what the hell I was trying to do just now." I usually tell her I am jealous! 

We have had several visits from family and friends. Of course, everyone wants to see Laura. She would like to see everyone as well, trust me, but it's just not always possible. Like I said, she sleeps most of the day so we limit her visits to maybe one a day and only for a few hours. She doesn't like anything to be loud or noisy, even if it's loud laughter. It startles her. The mood here at the house needs to be medium always. Not doom and gloom and not loud and wild, just medium. She loves to hear about how everyone's doing and what's going on. Her brother Kenny came over last week and told her all about his cars and trucks and what he was fixing up or selling. She was so excited. She loves when friends come over and remind her of fun times they had when they were younger. Obviously, everyone wants to talk to her about her cancer and how she is feeling but that gets old. That's pretty much all she has talked about for the past year and she's tired of talking about it. She wants to hear about life, not her cancer. 

I have to say, I feel the same way as Laura. Everyone who talks to me wants to talk about what I am going through. I get it. But I have been going through this since last April, this isn't new. It's all-consuming. I want to talk about music, guitars, tv shows, movies, comedians.....anything else, please. I get so many wonderful messages and calls from friends, family, and fans offering to talk to me. It's really over the top. But to tell you the truth, I don't want to talk about this anymore. I have a sponsor and some very dear close friends that I talk to regularly and those are really the only people I trust to talk about my feelings with. I don't need to talk to everyone about my personal thoughts and feelings. If we have never had deep personal conversations before, why would we do that now? I promise I know that people are just trying to be helpful and of service. I also know that when most people offer to talk with me what they're really offering is to "talk", not listen. Listening is very difficult. They want to tell me about their problems and what they think I should do or feel. When I do share with some people they try and tell me that I can't think like that or feel like that. They tell me I am feeling wrong and need to feel like they would feel. It's weird. When someone asks me how I am doing I will usually answer "pretty good". That is an honest answer. They seem a little stunned at first. How is that possible that I am doing "pretty good"? It's possible because I pray every day. I believe in a God of my understanding and I have a relationship with God. I have a deep understanding of life and death from being in recovery for 20 years. My sponsor and the program have been training me for a situation just like this for years. I am spiritually prepared. It does not make it easier, it just makes it doable. I know this is not the end for Laura. I believe in an afterlife.  I am also still hopeful and pray for a miracle. I won't stop praying for a miracle until she is no longer here. I have gratitude for the 20 years I have gotten to spend with this wonderful human being. Yes, I am sad I don't get 20 more, but I am not going to ruin the little bit I have left by being resentful and mad, I am grateful. Most people will have never lived and loved as much as Laura and myself did in an entire lifetime, let alone 20 years. What a blessing that I get to be here with her now. She saved my life in 2003. She saved me from being a dead junkie. I could never repay her for her love and support. To be here now for her and make her comfortable will be the most important thing I do in my life. 

People think because I do not cry in front of them that I must not be sad. I am supposed to show a certain amount of sadness in front of everyone so they can feel like I am sad enough. It's pretty weird. I don't cry in front of people much. That is just not who I am. If that is who you are, that's wonderful, but I am not that way. I have cried 1000 times over the past year. I cry alone when it's too much. I cry with Laura when we are alone. I don't have to cry to make you feel better. I have grieved for the past year and cried for the past year....it's your turn to cry and grieve now. I will grieve for years to come, but right now I have a duty to my best friend and to my family. I can cry as much as needed when I am on the other side of this journey. I also get a lot of messages about how we can cure Laura's cancer with some new herbal medicines or sound waves or ivermectin. Again, I know people want to help and I am not opposed to alternative medicines. But know this, Laura has a Rife machine that she uses almost every day. Laura takes dog dewormer for the past 3 months or more. Laura takes Rick Simpson Oil daily. We have tried almost everything you can think of and we continue to try these alternatives, they just don't seem to be working. But, we continue to try and hope. Laura had the best medical team at MD Anderson, thanks to a very dear family friend, and that team of doctors did everything they could for Laura and it just didn't work for very long. It's hard for us to believe that her oncologist couldn't save her but your message on Facebook about baking soda will. At some point, Laura just needs to live whatever amount of life she has left. She gets tired of having to constantly try and be saved. 

I hope you know that I love you all. I am thankful for your love and support for me and my family. It's overwhelming the outpouring of love. And while I cannot sit and have a deep conversation with each and everyone one of you, know that I truly appreciate your care and concern. If you want to know what you can do for me, please pray for Laura. If you're not a praying person, please keep a good thought for her. That is really all I ask for. I can get as much milk as we need, trust me. Also, Walmart delivers now. I know a lot of you want to come to see Laura, but she just can't see everyone. She needs to see her family and close friends. I try and read to her all of the comments and posts and messages I get when she gets up for the day. She loves hearing from you. If you message her and she doesn't get back to you, it's just because she's sleepy and slower and not always able to keep up, don't take it personal. 

I will continue to share stories of Laura with you and old photos, it's really fun. Laura loves to be reminded of these fun times we had. She never had a great memory, but I do. I will play my guitar on Instagram and share all of the Blood Brothers shows as they continue to tour. I hope you will support Albert and the band and go see them with Gary Hoey. They sound amazing! Yes, I do have a new album I have been working on for the better part of this year. It is a Blues album. Joe Bonamassa and Josh Smith are helping me put the song list together. Everyone seems to think I am going to write lots of new songs about this journey with Laura....but I don't think that is possible. Not right now and maybe never. I have certainly written a few, but that's all I can muster. I wouldn't even know how to write songs about what we are going through now. I have no words. I am lucky I can walk through it let alone sing about it. 

Make me laugh! I love you all and as Tommy Castro likes to say "Let's keep it fresh"

Peace, Love, Zito

Preparing for a hurricane

 First of all, thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for all of your generous donations and support to my wife Laura, and our family. We are forever grateful. And although we certainly realize that no amount of money will save Laura's life, it has given us the freedom to put everyday concerns aside and just be together with our family. This is a gift I can never repay. We would trade every penny to keep Laura here with us longer.

Having grown up in the midwest I had no experience with hurricanes. I heard about them on the news now and then and sometimes saw the awful footage of the destruction they caused but because they were so far removed from where I lived they were never really on my mind. My first experience with hurricanes would change my life forever. I was living in Port Neches, Texas in 2005 and Hurricane Katrina was coming for New Orleans. My sister Patty and her daughters evacuated to our house and we watched the destruction unfold on tv. It was like nothing I had ever seen before. Luckily she lived in Destrehan where the damage was much less and she did not have flooding. They were able to go back home pretty quick. Within weeks of Katrina, Hurricane Rita came for Southeast Texas and Southwest Louisiana. This was an ever stronger and larger hurricane than Katrina. It was unreal. We packed up the house, shut it all down, and evacuated to Patty's house in Destrehan. This was all like a movie to me. Very surreal. Within less than a month we endured two of the worst hurricanes in US history. I remember returning to Port Neches to see our house and area after the storm passed. It was like a war zone. Our home in Port Neches was on cinder blocks; half of them had been pushed down deep into the ground, so the house was bent crooked. All the door jams were off like an amusement park fun house. The huge tree in front of the house had fallen on the roof. It was a mess. After Katrina and Rita, I was now fully aware of hurricanes and the pain and destruction they cause. As the years went on living in Nederland, Texas we had so many hurricanes. I am told more than in the previous twenty years. It seemed like every year, at least once, we were packing and evacuating. Luckily for us, these storms never did the damage of Rita. In fact, most of these storms didn't do anything to our home or to our town. But we still packed up, locked the house down, and got ready for the worst because we knew what was possible. Most times we would come back home to the electricity still on, no damage, and almost a laughing sigh of relief. 

This is what we're doing with Laura. We're praying for a miracle but preparing for the storm. We know what we've been told by the doctors and her poor health is an obvious reminder that things are not getting better, they're getting worse. She is in more pain as each day goes by. We have all of the conversations you never thought you'd have to have so soon in life. They're not fun conversations. Making out wills, end-of-life directives, wishes, and hopes for the future of the family. It's heavy. It brings on a feeling of hopelessness just like the weather forecast does when they tell you how bad this storm is going to be. So, we prepare. But I always remind Laura of the times when we locked down the house, packed up our belongings and family, and ran for the hills only to return to an undamaged home and everything ended up being fine. We weren't mad or upset that we prepared for no reason, we were thankful. 

Luckily for me and my family, I am clean and sober today. I have the program and the steps. I have a wonderful sponsor who checks on me daily. I have my faith in my Higher Power who I choose to call God. I pray and meditate and exercise every day to keep my mind focused and grateful. I would be a mess and useless to Laura and my family if I was not in recovery today. It's like this beautiful program has been training me for this exact moment in my life. I play my guitar and I have been writing some songs as well.

So this is where we are today. We are making all the necessary decisions and provisions for the inevitable, but we continue to pray for a miracle that none of this will be necessary. It's not fun, but we try and laugh as much as possible and enjoy the sunshine. I know this comparison to a hurricane seems corny, but it makes sense in our heads and hearts. Just like when we evacuated, we have come together as a family and marriage. My job is to be Laura's husband. I am here to help her feel comfortable, safe, and at peace. I will make sure she isn't worried about a thing. I love her so much and I know she would do the same thing for me. 

Thank you again, continued prayers are so welcome.

Peace, Love, Zito

Run Run Away (Laura update)

 I am trying to continue making blog entries, although they are fewer and further between.

Of course, everyone asks about Laura and how she is doing and my answer is mostly the same....she is doing pretty good. Her treatment continues and probably always will. She had some setbacks in February and March with a blood infection and weight issues. That seemed to really slow her progress down. Her last scans were not bad but not great either, just ok. Some tumors got a little smaller, some got a little bigger. They are adding a new medicine to her chemo treatment to help keep the cancer stable. She has gotten much better over the last month and has gained back over 10 pounds. She is feeling stronger and looking more solid and less frail. Yesterday she got a nerve blocker to help alleviate the horrible pain she has been suffering from over the past year due to her pancreatic tumor. It hits two nerves and causes excruciating pain and suffering. When she hurts, it's hard to eat or sleep, bringing her quality of life down quite a bit. But when the procedure was finished yesterday she wasn't feeling any pain at all and for most of the day she didn't need any pain meds. This is very promising and she is excited about not hurting every day. That would make a big difference for her to enjoy her everyday life and put on more weight. More weight would give her more strength in case she got another infection or got sick. With her immune response so low from the chemo sudden illness can take a big toll on her. All in all, she is doing really pretty good right now and we are very thankful. She is a fighter and will continue to fight hard. We pray for any and all miracles, but we also are thankful for the miracle that she is with us right now, today.

My past behavior shows a pattern of running away. I run away from problems, intimacy, hard times...you name it and I have run away from it in my life. Ironically, I have always had this desire to run, like physically run fast and hard. I have never been a runner but I always have this idea, this thought that I would love to go outside and run as fast as I can. On January 1st of this year, I decided I would start running every day. I went outside and I ran. It felt good. I got an Apple watch and started monitoring my progress and my heart rate. I quickly moved to the treadmill where I began an Apple Fitness Plus class. Since January 1st of this year, I have only missed 7 days of running. My stamina is much higher now and I can knock out a 45-minute class with ease. I get my heart rate up to 160-170 most every day. The class is more cardio than just running. It involves hits where we push really hard for a short period of maybe 30-45 seconds and then we pull back to an easy walk or run for a minute or so and then go again. This has helped me to build full body strength and freedom. I no longer am so concerned with how many calories I have or if I can have a cookie or not. My metabolism is much higher now and my life has completely changed. I have maybe lost 10 pounds total but my body has been transformed. My core is strong and my energy level is through the roof. I sleep solid and I feel ten years younger. But the most important change this physical act of running has brought me is inner peace. My mind is at ease. The pain of my wife's illness is still there every waking moment, but my mind can stay clear and focused throughout the day. I am burning off the excess anxiety. It's amazing to me that what I have wanted all my life is to run, literally. When I physically run, I am actually running away from my mind and my worrying....hence my problems. My problems are always of my own making in my mind. Of course, I am not at fault for my wife's illness or all of my circumstances in life but I am responsible for how I react and walk through the circumstances. Physically running gives me hope and focus to do what I can do and be of service. 

Many folks are kind enough to ask me how am I doing through all of this. I tell them I am doing ok. That's about how I am doing. Sometimes I am just in what I call "Animal" mode. I am surviving. I do what I am asked to do for the family and I follow direction. I act stupid and laugh at horrible jokes. I watch silly movies and tv shows and listen to more rocking music because it pushes me. It may seem like I am just not feeling much and that's probably true. When I am on the road working, I prefer to not have a lot of feelings. They get in the way. When I am home I get to relax and love on my girls and that balances my life. 

 We have so much generous help from family and loving friends through this all, we are not alone. We thank you all for your support and love and prayers. Laura is very strong and she's not going anywhere anytime soon. She is doing things now she wouldn't have considered months ago. She is willing to do whatever it takes to stay here with our family, she is a fighter and I am so proud of her. 

We love you!

Peace, Love, Zito

Richard Pryor

Laughter: Most commonly, it is considered an auditory expression of a number of positive emotional states, such as joy, mirth, happiness, or relief.

The study of "Laughter" is called Gelotology.

I had some pretty terrible things happen to me when I was a young child. Things that should never happen to children. It was traumatizing and changed my life forever. I felt shame and was frightened of going to hell for what happened to me. The acts themselves were enough to ruin a child but the Catholic church added another element to the entire experience by scaring the living shit out of me night and day. I had very dark times when I was 6 and 7 years old. I was always afraid and ashamed. I got a guitar and a record player in 1978 and they would both change my life for the better. 

My brother Frank is 18 years older than me. My sister Patty is 16 years older than me and Judy is 11 years older than me. By the time I was 8 years old, all of them were long gone from the house. It was just me and my parents and a BUNCH of vinyl records that were left behind. Those records consisted of Led Zepplin, The Eagles, Heart, Jimi Hendrix, The Doors, Rolling Stones, The Beatles, Paul Revere and The Raiders, Jackson 5, and many more. But maybe more important than the music albums were comedy albums. Cheech and Chong, Steve Martin, and most important, Richard Pryor. There were two Richard Pryor albums; "That ni$$ers crazy" and "Is it something I said?". These two albums changed my life for the better and continue to do so today. I was 8 years old with two Richard Pryor albums and a world of hurt. I remember listening to them for the first time. His voice was just funny, he was playful. He did different voices of characters that made me laugh. Obviously, many sexual jokes and racial ideas went over my head at such a young age. I knew he was using dirty words and I loved it! But I didn't always understand the context. What I did understand and feel almost immediately was that this man was special. He was kind and full of love. He had a softness to his personality that instantly made me feel better. He was vulnerable. Even as a young kid, I could tell he was saying that life is painful and weird and that's ok cause it's like that for all of us. I could see the scene when he did voices and told stories of the wino on the street corner. I was there in my head watching him tell this story, he took me somewhere far away from my own mind and thoughts. My absolute favorite is of course "Mudbone". I would listen to these stories over and over and watch them play out like a movie that was only for me. I was enthralled by the laughter of the live audience. They howled, screamed, and cheered him on as he poured his heart out in front of them. I memorized all of the stories word for word and would laugh to myself at school as I replayed them in my mind. I couldn't wait to get home to put on my comedy records and just fantasize for hours. I loved Steve Martin and his silliness and adored Cheech and Chong with the stories and characters and sound effects, but most of all I loved Richard Pryor. He was just more real and honest and he always made me feel like everything was going to be ok. He instilled in me a feeling of resilience that I carry with me to this day. His albums became my religion, my sanctuary. I listened to them over and over all of my life. His understanding of the human condition continues to inspire me today. 

Later in life I became friends with Cyril Neville. We wrote a song together called "Pearl River" and it won a Blues Music Award for Song of the Year in 2010. That brought us together to write more songs and start a band called Royal Southern Brotherhood. We traveled the world with this band and spent many days and nights on the road together. Soon enough Cyril found out how much I loved Richard Pryor and we became much closer. Richard Pryor was a hero to Cyril as well. Cyril just loved him for all the same reasons I did. We would listen to those albums in the van on the road, quote his best lines to each other and sometimes Cyril would just ask me to recite some of Mudbone or the Wino to make him laugh. Richard Pryor brought Cyril and me together much closer because we both understood what his comedy meant and how deep it was, still today. To truly feel his comedy you have to have a bit of sadness inside and Cyril and I shared that feeling together. We understood each other much better because of this connection. 

I wrote Richard Pryor's wife Jennifer years ago to let her know how Richard's comedy was still bringing people together and told her about myself and Cyril and she took the time to write back to me. She appreciated my sharing with her and wished us well, very sweet.

On this last tour, we spent super bowl Sunday in Peoria, Il. The next day we went to visit the Richard Pryor memorial statue. It was beautiful and very meaningful to me. His comedy is like my religion. He always makes me feel better. We listened all morning to Richard and laughed our way to Evansville. His comedy never goes out of style. You can hear where all of the others after him take their cues. Some just blatantly use his material for their own. But none are as powerful or vulnerable as Richard Pryor. He was real and needed to laugh to get past the sadness of life. His comedy endures today. I am so very thankful to have found those records all those years ago when I was young. They were waiting for me at the absolute right time in my life. 

Peace, Love, Zito

"yeah I know Jesus! I remember when the boy got kilt, thats for real man it was on a Friday down by the railroad depot" - RP

Take a few minutes to enjoy Mudbone today:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6hwsx8xnPM

Thanksgiving - Laura Update

 Happy Thanksgiving!

I hope you had a wonderful day with friends and family and were able to eat some good food. I was very lucky to do just that. I was home all week with the girls and we had a big dinner with everyone at my mother-in-law's house. Pam, Laura's mother, is an excellent cook and the food was wonderful.  I am always thankful when someone cooks for me! I don't think it gets any better in life. We played a big game of dominoes after dinner that lasted for hours with about 8 people at the table, which is usually really fun. But...I was accused of cheating. I had turned over 7 of my dominoes and they sucked and I had not turned over the 8th domino just yet and I thought I would trade it out for a new one before I was all in. Laura caught me and very sternly told me that was cheating and to put it back. Everyone had a giggle, except Laura who is VERY serious about "playing" games, and me. I did not have a giggle. I got pretty upset. I wasn't cheating and I got embarrassed if you can believe it being called out in front of everyone by my wife. I stayed upset for quite a while and just couldn't shake the feeling. Why was I so upset over something so silly? Normally I would be laughing and arguing and having fun but I was tired and emotionally sensitive. It all seems so stupid and trivial but I realized later that evening that I was not doing well with everything going on with Laura's cancer. It's been a lot lately and I guess I just have kept it inside and then I let it show over something so silly. I talked to Laura later that night and it made me feel a lot better, but I try not to bring that burden to Laura as she has enough on her plate to deal with just trying to focus on healing and treatment. I try to be strong, carry on, and make things as "normal" as possible in the house for her and the kids. People ask me all the time about Laura and then they ask "and how are you doing?" and I answer "I guess I am doing ok, I don't know." Which is really the truth, I just don't really know. I don't always take a lot of time to think about how I am doing because I want to focus on moving forward. I put my energy into work and music and the record label. I keep myself busy with guitars and work and that helps my mind to stay positive. But it's hard, it's been pretty hard. When I talk to Laura she sounds the same. When I text Laura she has the same personality and sense of humor that I love. Then I see Laura and I am immediately reminded that she is very sick and is going through treatment. I wake up in the mornings and the first thing I think is Laura has cancer. I go to bed at night and the last thing I think is Laura has cancer. It's always there, all the time, and never goes away. Of course, I pray and meditate and talk to my sponsor which all help a lot but it's still always there like a rash. Things are the same these days and they are extremely different and now the new normal. I truly believe it's harder watching your loved one go through this than if I had to deal with it myself. People who have been in my shoes have told me the same thing, they understand. I try not to make this about me, this is about Laura, but we all have to deal with this change in our lives. I guess I hadn't realized how I was feeling until I got caught swapping out a domino on Thanksgiving. LOL - onward and upward my friends.

So, how is Laura doing?

Laura is doing AMAZING! She is seriously kicking ass and feeling better than ever. She had her treatment changed back in October and it has made a world of difference in her quality of life. She doesn't really get sick anymore, she's not tired all the time and she's keeping her weight on. She eats really well and looks amazing. Her Doctor told us the most important factor in her healing is if she is feeling good and she feels really good. They run labs on her blood every time she goes in for treatment and they run numbers on her liver and her tumor marker for her pancreas. These numbers will show how the treatment is working. If her numbers go up, the cancer is growing and if they go down the cancer is shrinking and the chemo is working. Back in August her tumor marker number was as high as 6300. I don't really know what that means because it's all based on millimeters of her tumor, but that was a high number. Last Friday her tumor marker was 900!!! It has continually gone down over the past months. Her liver numbers are all down as well. It's been a real miracle to watch her slowly feel better. Her doctor is so pleased with her progress. They will run scans next Wednesday and we pray that the cancer has retreated and gotten smaller. Right now she is scheduled for two more chemotherapy treatments that will finish before the end of December. If she continues to do well and the cancer is cooled down the doctors will decide what the next plan of action will be for Laura. The options vary from immunotherapy, chemo pills, we're just not sure yet. The important thing is that the cancer is retreating and she feels so much better than she did just months ago. 

So there you go - I figured you should know what's happening. I will continue to try and keep you up to date on her progress and feel free to continue to pray, good thoughts, or whatever you got to send this girl some positive energy. We are doing really good and I am thankful for her healing.

We are also thankful for you. For the years of support and love.

Peace, Love, Zito